my 2013

2013 was my personal hell, i guess. i graduated high school after months of studying. during the exams i had a lot of trouble with a guy. he constantly called or wrote, he insulted me, he said he would kill himself if i went away, he threatened me. after the exams i had my breakdown. i've been dizzy the whole summer and it was really scary. i've been to hospital 5 times, i guess. the 4th time i was there i had my first panic attack. i couldn't breathe, my whole body cramped, i thought: ok this is the end. they gave me pills and send a therapist. i took these pills for a week but then they started making me feel worse. i felt nothing. so i took them off which was so hard. i couldn't sleep, i was dizzy, i've been feeling horrible. so i went to another therapist who gave me anti depressants. i didn't take them. i always had problems with breathing, i think i had them for about two months... then i should go to college. but i've been feeling so dizzy and i had to go to hospital again and stay for a week. my back and my whole neck are really shit. after i came out of hospital i was feeling so depressed... and i went to the third therapist. i've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but she didn't tell me what i should do. she wanted me to take pills and i broke up. so i was left alone with this fucking depressed feeling. when i don't even want to crawl out of bed. when washing my hair becomes a challenge. when you constantly feel nothing. i guess i would be in a mental hospital if my parents weren't there. they pushed me to get up and to go out and to do things. then i started college but i was still feeling depressed. i actually never thought that i would kill myself or things like that, all i could do is.. feel it. but i just kept going on. suddenly it got better day by day. i met friends at college. i started to go out with other friends. i finally got over this fucking guy who treated me like dirt. then... i met another guy. we met at college and i liked him from the first moment. i couldn't imagine that he would like me, too, but he did. i had a big fight with my parents cause of him. we went out, he started cuddling and he even kissed me and i was happy. then he realized that he's not in love. i remember that day 'cause i came home crying and i couln't stop for hours. but he wrote. he called. he cared. he wanted to keep me as a friend and i was okay with that. later he asked me if i would still like him if he's in love with someone else. this was really hard for me.. 'cause i'm still not over it. i just did college stuff and concentrated on other things. i went to a concert and it was the best night of my whole life. i found wonderful friends and i've got an internship and finals are next week. i feel like i've built a life. i'm scared that my mental issues will come back, but i survived them one time, so i can do it a second time. actually, i'm feeling a bit worse since yesterday but there will always be times where i'm going to struggle. and this guy - he's an asshole but i like him and his nice sides, i'm glad to know him. i'm glad for all these amazing people in my life. 2013 really changed me. 2014, please be better!