my 2013

2013 was my personal hell, i guess. i graduated high school after months of studying. during the exams i had a lot of trouble with a guy. he constantly called or wrote, he insulted me, he said he would kill himself if i went away, he threatened me. after the exams i had my breakdown. i've been dizzy the whole summer and it was really scary. i've been to hospital 5 times, i guess. the 4th time i was there i had my first panic attack. i couldn't breathe, my whole body cramped, i thought: ok this is the end. they gave me pills and send a therapist. i took these pills for a week but then they started making me feel worse. i felt nothing. so i took them off which was so hard. i couldn't sleep, i was dizzy, i've been feeling horrible. so i went to another therapist who gave me anti depressants. i didn't take them. i always had problems with breathing, i think i had them for about two months... then i should go to college. but i've been feeling so dizzy and i had to go to hospital again and stay for a week. my back and my whole neck are really shit. after i came out of hospital i was feeling so depressed... and i went to the third therapist. i've been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, but she didn't tell me what i should do. she wanted me to take pills and i broke up. so i was left alone with this fucking depressed feeling. when i don't even want to crawl out of bed. when washing my hair becomes a challenge. when you constantly feel nothing. i guess i would be in a mental hospital if my parents weren't there. they pushed me to get up and to go out and to do things. then i started college but i was still feeling depressed. i actually never thought that i would kill myself or things like that, all i could do is.. feel it. but i just kept going on. suddenly it got better day by day. i met friends at college. i started to go out with other friends. i finally got over this fucking guy who treated me like dirt. then... i met another guy. we met at college and i liked him from the first moment. i couldn't imagine that he would like me, too, but he did. i had a big fight with my parents cause of him. we went out, he started cuddling and he even kissed me and i was happy. then he realized that he's not in love. i remember that day 'cause i came home crying and i couln't stop for hours. but he wrote. he called. he cared. he wanted to keep me as a friend and i was okay with that. later he asked me if i would still like him if he's in love with someone else. this was really hard for me.. 'cause i'm still not over it. i just did college stuff and concentrated on other things. i went to a concert and it was the best night of my whole life. i found wonderful friends and i've got an internship and finals are next week. i feel like i've built a life. i'm scared that my mental issues will come back, but i survived them one time, so i can do it a second time. actually, i'm feeling a bit worse since yesterday but there will always be times where i'm going to struggle. and this guy - he's an asshole but i like him and his nice sides, i'm glad to know him. i'm glad for all these amazing people in my life. 2013 really changed me. 2014, please be better!

i fell for you and you didn't catch me

i am completely honest now. i fell in love, i really did. i met him 2 months ago, he just came into my life and... there was nothing i could do. we had so much fun and he even kissed me, it was too perfect. he realized he didn't want a relationship but a friendship. i def. don't want to lose him, but being friends with someone you fell in love with is fucking hard.

a leck of updates - again

i'm really really sorry that i don't post anything. you all know that i'm not well since a long time. i had to go to the Hospital 4 times during the last 2 months. i felt dizzy the first three times and the fourth time was the worst. i couldn't breathe and i was shaking and scared. i had to stay in the hospital for the night and the day after that. they gave me pills to calm down and didn't do anything. the doctors said i'm mental but ummmm sorry, i'm NOT! college will start next month and i won't post so much things cause i'm just concentrated on getting better. i'm still scared, that it will be worse again, but i also have to believe that something good is gonna come out of this.

Ich hatte so viele Gründe zu gehen, aber bin geblieben. Du hattest so viele Gründe zu bleiben, doch bist gegangen.